Visiting Hours
by Genesis Grey
Summary: Tatsuha's thoughts as he waits for visiting hours to come around; should be read after Smile.


::Tatsuha::

Even the Nittle Grasper video playing on the hotel television couldn't convince Tatsuha to sit still. He paced impatiently, looking up whenever it focused specifically on Ryuichi, and away again whenever it panned to the crowed or over to Noriko and Tohma. Especially when it panned to Tohma. 

He let out a groan as he sat down on the bed, letting his head fall into his hands. He wanted visiting hours to start again. The first day he'd managed to sweet talk the nurses into letting him stay the night, a few smiles went a long way. But the next day a doctor had seen him and insisted that he leave. It was probably better that they made him leave, he decided ruefully. Seeing his sister lying there, looking so pale and lifeless, her wrists wrapped and an IV in her arm. He shivered involuntarily. He hated that sight. He imagined it was how his mother must have looked before she died. 

He looked up and his eyes narrowed. The camera centered in on Tohma and Tatsuha growled, "bastard," as he stood up and began to pace again. 

He'd always resented Tohma in some small way, always blamed the man for taking his sister away. Their mother had died only a year after he was born. A car accident. Mika had been the closest thing he had to a mother and as a child he'd adored her beyond words. Even after she'd moved to Tokyo he knew that he could always call her with a problem or just to talk and that she would visit for a few days every month and take him and Eiri out to do all the fun things their father wouldn't allow. Then she met Tohma. 

Tatsuha let out a sigh as he flopped down on the bed. It wasn't that Tohma was a bad person, just the opposite, he was a nice person and people were drawn to him. The problem was Mika loved him and he never seemed to realize how lucky he was that she did. 

Mika was a very cold person. As much as Tatsuha loved his sister he knew it was true. He didn't think it was intentional, but it was somehow fitting that all through school she had only one close friend. She couldn't show her feelings easily, even with her own family. Occasionally Tatsuha could see how she felt by the look in her eyes or the slightest change of expression, but she almost never said how she was feeling and she got so upset when he or Eiri made comments that she didn't care. 

She had been in the car with their mother during the fatal accident and she carried the scars, both mental and physical. A gash on her left thigh and three ugly scars on her right arm, the reason she never wore short sleeved shirts. Tatsuha smirked as he sat up and took off his jacket, throwing it on the floor. It seemed like everyone in his family was horribly scarred in one way or another. Mika by their mother's death. Eiri by his fateful trip to New York and the hideous trail of relationships he left in his wake. And himself… he almost laughed… and himself because he hadn't been horribly scarred by past event. There was nothing special about him, nothing notable, nothing that made him stand out in a crowd. 

Even at a young age Tatsuha had understood that his father intended to marry Mika off to a respectable family that would make their shrine look good and would be a profitable match. He knew the same was in store for Eiri, since he was the oldest son. Tatsuha knew he got off lucky in that respect as he was only expected to become a priest at the temple and his philandering was hardly noticed, but it also meant his father rarely paid him any attention. It made Mika's love and affection so much more special and appreciated. At times she seemed the only person that truly knew he was alive and more than just a smirking face that could be sent to Tokyo after errant girls. 

Tatsuha looked up at the TV as Ryuichi appeared in a close-up and the video ended. His obsession with Ryuichi was partly Mika's doing, though she didn't know it. When Nittle Grasper was still relatively unknown they'd done a concert in Kyoto. Mika had taken him to it. Eiri was sick and couldn't come so it was the two of them and Tatsuha had been so happy. He'd never minded when it was all three of them, but occasionally he wanted all of his sister's attention for himself. 

He'd been talking to Mika, making a comment about Noriko's skirt and wondering how she and Tohma were going to play two keyboards when the music started. He'd looked up at the stage as they began to play and had turned to Mika to ask something when Ryuichi began to sing. It was beautiful and perfect. It was as if listening to Ryuichi sing was reaching a higher plane of consciousness. Nirvana. He'd sat in rapt attention the entire concert, his eyes never left the stage. 

He'd asked Mika questions the entire way home about Ryuichi and occasionally about Noriko and Tohma. She'd answered happily enough, never knowing she was feeding a curiosity that would turn into an unholy addiction. As time went by she would shake her head and give him hints on how to find out information and occasionally sneak him an early release, until he finally knew more about Ryuichi than most fangirls. 

Tatsuha smiled as he fell back on the bed and curled up. He knew his obsession with Ryuichi was probably unhealthy and frightfully stalker-like, but it helped him though everything. It was like having a lover or a friend that he knew every little thing about. Someone who always seemed to be smiling just at him, even if it was through the pixelation of a television screen. Someone he could always count on the say the right thing or rather sing it. Someone who never seemed angry, a virtual god. Tatsuha laughed. He sounded crazy. 

A sob escaped through the laughter and he clenched his eyes shut in pain as the image of Mika lying so pale on the hospital bed flashed through his mind. He hated it. He hated the thought of her lying there and not even thoughts of Ryuichi being able to drive the image away. 

"…always stuck between… aren't you Mika…" he said as he opened his eyes, touching his cheeks to make sure there were no tears. "… even now you can't decide between this life or whatever your next reincarnation will be…" 

Even when she was in Kyoto she seemed to be regulated to referee between Eiri and their father. She never had time for him any more and when she did… Tatsuha winced. Few people remembered he was still a teenager and being such was prone to the occasional petty whim, such as blowing off his sister when she only wanted to spend time with him. 

And Tohma didn't help in Tatsuha's opinion. In the six years that he and Mika had been married it seemed that he was always off somewhere else, leaving Mika behind and alone in the various apartments they'd lived in over the years. When he was traveling with Nittle Grasper Tatsuha had excused it, after all Tohma's absence aided his beloved Ryuichi and Mika came home to spend time with them more often, though that was partly to take care of Eiri. After Nittle Grasper's break up Mika didn't visit as much since Eiri had moved to Tokyo and had published his first novel. Tatsuha had assumed Tohma spent more time with her. But when he visited for a month he found he was wrong. If anything it almost seemed that Tohma was gone more. 

Mika simply shrugged and said that it was hard for Tohma now that he had so many responsibilities, being a producer and president of NG. Tatsuha had grumbled a rather obscene curse under his breath about Tohma and various animals. Mika had raised an eyebrow and Tatsuha remembered how hard he'd blushed, not realizing he'd spoken so loud. Then Mika laughed. His sister had laughed. He could count on one hand the number of times his sister had laughed aloud and this time he'd been the one to make her laugh. 

Tatsuha sat up and looked at the television as a commercial for NG's latest releases flashed by with a Nittle Grasper song playing in the background as the NG mascot did a little dance. He waited until the commercial was over out of respect for Ryuichi and then clicked off the television with the remote. 

Sometimes he wondered why Mika didn't leave Tohma when it was clear to him that he caused her so much heartache. And sometimes it was all too clear to him why she couldn't leave Tohma. Their father would throw a fit for one thing, threaten to disinherit her and would never allow her to come back to the shrine because he would think it was a dishonor to the family. Their father would think it was Mika who'd done something wrong. Eiri could get away with such things as disrespecting his father and blowing off his fiancée because he was the oldest son. Mika was just a daughter. Their father was old and traditional in his thinking, a daughter was valuable to him as a mediator and to be married off. One of the main reasons Tatsuha had opted not to tell his father about Mika's attempted suicide just yet. Occasionally he wondered how their father ever managed to get married. 

Tatsuha smirked, then again Tohma had. Maybe bad taste just ran in the genes. 

But there was another reason she stayed that Tatsuha hated admitting to himself. Mika actually loved Tohma. Despite everything he put her through she still loved him. Not that the fact in itself was that surprising. Despite what he and Eiri put her through she still loved them too, but they were her blood, her brothers. Tohma was just some guy she met in Tokyo. 

Tatsuha ran his fingers through his hair. Maybe there was something more that he didn't see. Maybe when he wasn't looking Tohma was the best husband in the universe. Somehow he didn't think so. Why would Mika try to kill herself if she was happy with her husband? What else could possibly be wrong? He shook his head as he got off the bed and picked up his jacket off the floor. Idly he remembered that it had been a gift from Mika on his birthday. 

He winced as he pulled on his jacket and another thought crossed his mind. He hadn't seen his sister or even spoken to her since the day he'd snubbed her in anger. "I didn't mean it," he mumbled to himself as he patted his jacket to make sure the picture of Ryuichi was securely in the inner left pocket and walked to the door of his room. He leaned against the wall as he got near the door. 

It was so easy to blame Tohma for all the bad things. To bristle at the fact that he hadn't seen her so-called husband once since he'd arrived in Tokyo, nor spoken to him since the phone call. But he couldn't help but think of how Mika would tell him how unfair he was being, that Tohma had responsibilities, and the fact that Eiri hadn't come either. 

Tatsuha shook his head as he pushed off the wall and got on his shoes. If his brother and Tohma didn't show up today he was going to drag them there. Mika deserved to be surrounded by the people she cared for, no matter how cold they were to her on normal occasions. If he had to sit and watch his sister lying there, her skin almost as white as the sheets, her wrists wrapped with heavy gauze, the needle of the IV jammed into her arm, and nurses walking in and out of the room, shaking their heads. Then they had to at least come and see her. 

He looked at his watch and walked out the door. Visiting hours were starting again. 

--- 

Author's Notes: Hmmm, yeah… this chapter went a bit off kilter… sorry 'bout that. But I think I like it anyway… the way Tatsuha is portrayed wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I think it works. (I know it's a little later than I said… but it's 4am Monday and I haven't slept… that's like posting it Sunday night, right!) And sorry about the utter lack of creativity in the name...every other section has a name, but I couldn't think of anything for this one. Oh, and since I forgot to mention it last time, it will eventually be explained why Tohma was back early. And as to the pixilated image line I made, what can I say, the shrine has digital cable. ^_~ Um, I'm going to try to get Eiri's part out sometime this week, but I have a couple papers to write so it could be this coming weekend. Thanks so much to the people that have commented on all the parts so far! ^_^ You are wonderful and I love you! Any comments are totally appreciated (everyone needs and ego pat once in a while) and make me wish to blow off my papers and write… ^_^ 


End file.
